Suicide, Violence or InsanityI’ve been putting this story off for some time now. It is reality none of us here on the row want to face. It seems to be the top 3, or only 3 choices left available after years upon years of sensory deprivation. On top of the sensory deprivation….we have the cruelty and maliciousness of the powers-to-be and many of the officers but thank God not all of them. The reason I don’t like to talk about this is because I have faced down all 3 of the titled choices. Some of you reading this have read Paul Colella’s “Uncensored from Death Row,” which I was a main topic in. (They call me Chi-Town, on of my nicknames. I’m originally from Chicago and Chi-Town is slang for Chicago.) Now out of the 3, I choose violence. I just wanted some kind of physical human contact. Like a child if you give them no attention for being good they will eventually be bad and relish the negative attention they receive. The first goon squad (5 200 plus lb. men in full body armor open the cage door and run in with a shield, beat your head in, hog tie you and pull you out of the cage when you refuse to come out on your own. Before all this takes place they gas you with pepper spray and tear gas for ten minutes. Now the first time they ran in on me and finally got me out of my cage, my first words were “man, I finally feel human again!” It is a sick felling!!! To know you are on the brink of insanity and the only way to stop it is physical contact. I have watched more than a few really good friends go from normal to playing in their own bodily fluids. It scares me. Many make fun of them, but that is a front. We all know that could be anyone of us next and that scares the shit out of me. The number of death row prisoners that have visited Jester 4 (a mental hospital prison) since death row moved from Ellis Unit to Polunsky Unit is incredible.
I will respect the privacy of these individuals but the information is not hard to get a hold of, nor do I wish to exaggerated and ruin my own credibility. I spent over a year getting run-in-on until I was finally able to get a hold of my emotional feelings and realized what I was doing and why. Others never do.
Now about this suicide…many have tried; few have succeeded. Believe me, the State of Texas will not be cheated out of their blood execution and will spend tons of money on life-flight and medical care if and only if you are on the verge of death. They have spent ungodly amounts of money saving a man from committing suicide the night before his execution just so they could kill him themselves.
Now just recently a very dear friend of mine has tried to kill himself and it was no fake-out attempt, for I have seen the results. They patch him up and now his arms and hands remind me of a Frankenstein movie. I will use his name because I have his permission. His name is Marlin Nelson #000913 and he has been on death row over 10 years. He has a beautiful wife and a lot of people who really care about him. Yet he just wanted to die. Why? When I asked him he said “I’m just fucking miserable bro, and I just can’t handle this shit!” I mean that is the whole reason for building lockdown facilities. They are meant and designed to break and crush the human spirit. It is a punishment facility designed for prisoners who cannot fallow the rules. Now they house death row here. Why? Because it is a way to break them. They drop their appeals saving Texans millions of $$$ on litigation. We sit in our cages 23 hours a day watching the State of Texas kill our friends and the ones they miss try to kill themselves.
Insanity does not really seem all that bad of an option anymore. To run and hide from reality, my own personal hell, but no I can’t. I won’t! Violence? To much of that in my life already. No answers. I choose to hang onto love. Love has been my anchor for so very long. I look into my little Daughter’s eyes and smile and know I can go on forever and than some.
My love for my mother and her never wavering love for me. How dare I crawl into a shell of insanity and cheat her of what time I have left. Missy, some kind of wonderful. Never laughed more in my life. I love you Mouse. You make Life beautiful for me, even behind this certina wire, cement and steel.
For some people this just isn’t enough anymore. When one is treated less than an animal he/she takes on animal instincts. Attack or die!!! Fight or die, to be caged is an insanity in and of itself. To be caged just waiting for your own death is down right cruel and unusual punishment by anyone’s standards. I know a lot of people out there are saying your on death row and deserve all this and more. Do you really think so? If so, now you can call me the heartless cold blooded killer. What is the difference? Oh, yeah, this is worse because this is premeditated murder. Who’s innocence can never be questioned, guilt by witnesses of the State as the State sticks these needles in their next victims arm. To many deaths and too much blood, and why? Justice? No, revenge. Plain and simple. Did you know that it cost more to execute a man than imprison him for life? Millions more. Capital punishment is very expensive. Proving murder is wrong by murdering?? Once again, thanks for “tuning in” and God Bless you all and keep you safe.
In Struggle I Remain,
Richard