Today 5-6-02 I had a visit. Visits are always, well usually, something I look forward to. Today was different. My brother, my friend, Brian E. Davis has an execution date for 5-7-02! So his whole family was out there to visit him!

Of course the purpose of my visit was to show my support for BD and his family. BD's dad, mom, ex-wife, two sons and sister, aunts and uncles were all there to show their undying love and support. Tears were flowing freely by all. BD's dad more often than not, was with his head in his arms on the table crying so strongly his whole body was shaking. I was a trooper, or so I pretended to be until my visitor left (Thanks for being here for me T baby). Then I broke down into tears. Yes me, the heartless, cold-blooded, unrehabilitatable killer! Yes me, who will no doubt be executed because I'm a man, so they say, who has no human compassion and puts no value on human life!

Sometimes I wonder if the same people can look into their mirrors and see the double standards they set? I digress. Let me get back on track. I believe two main events out at visitation were the cause of my final failure as my facade as "trooper" so to say 1. when Tracy, BD's ex-wife (whom I've never met before this day but heard tons about through BD) came to talk to me. She had love in her eyes and a broken heart in the tears she fought so hard to hold back as we talked. Her undying love for Brian and their sons touched my heart deeply. She has stood by BD and made sure he saw his kids as often as possible. Now she must help her boys through their fathers murder. Tracy whose face will both have me and bring me peace for many months to come.

The second event was to see BD's mother in such tears of pain and helplessness, to see a mother's broken heart, I cry now as I recall.

Wow! I did not talk to BD's mom. I did not have the courage. I was there when they all started to leave and when his mom turned around to blow him a kiss. All I thought about was tomorrow, when she leaves and blows him another kiss, that same motherly kiss, it will be the last time she will see her son alive. In this I saw all the mothers before her to go through this.

All the mothers after her who will go through this. I saw my mother and all the pain and hurt that my execution will someday bring her. My mother, the one person in my life who has stood by me in these past five years with her undying love and support. How do I apologize to her for what I foresee? I can't, no words will help.

I've just read what I wrote and it is sickly ironic, that all these innocent people (BD's family and loved ones) will all become victims at the time of his murder. "Justifiable homicide by the State of Texas". Tomorrow, they will become victims in the name of "victims rights"! In a society that demands BD's execution. To what purpose? Bring closure to the victims family of the man they say he murdered? To that I ask how does BD's family go about finding closure when the STATE murders him?

I would very much like feedback from any of you on this, negative or positive. I realize this is my (a death row prisoner) perspective and after all, I'm in societies eyes, a heartless cold blooded, beyond redemption, remorseless killer, eh? My eyes must be surely tainted by my own sins. We as society demand death in the name of victims rights, for the death of a loved one. For closure? I guess BD spending the rest of his life in prison gives no one closure. Who is heartless?

So the state of Texas will continue to set new records as a mass killing machine in the name of justice, leaving even more victims in it's wake.
Where will the cycle of violence end?

I remain
Down & out in struggle
Richard Cartwright

Brian received a stay at the last moment no wonder my hair line is receding! (smile)